My name is Margaret Noseworthy. I am 20 years old, and I’ve been struggling with borderline personality disorder (BPD) since I was 12. Borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized mental illness with a suicide rate of 1 in 10. It is a chronic mental illness and known as the most painful mental health disorder. BPD is characterized as a problem with emotional regulation, impulse control, self-destructive behaviors such as suicidal and self-injury behavior. BPD actual affects brain development, making the part of your brain called the amygdala smaller than the average persons and affects our flight, fight, and freeze responses.  

My BPD symptoms started almost as soon as I hit 12 years old. I was seriously self-harming with many different methods but mostly with cutting. Cutting became a really big unhealthy coping mechanism for me. For years on end, I would self-harm every single day, it was very isolating, scary, and I everything was so out of my control. I had been in and out of the hospital for many years. I tried overdosing on my medications, hanging, and other methods of suicide to help end the pain I was in.

I ended up dropping out of high school because my anxiety was so high, and this made me even more isolated and depressed. I have been in therapy and on medication since I was 12 years old which is about 8 years now. What I struggled with the most with my BPD is that I never had a stable moment, one second, I was happy and content with who I was and then it would just spiral out of my grasp and I would be back in a really bad major depression.

That is the big thing with BPD is struggling to have a stable sense of anything.

I thought the world was ending, and all I could think about was how much pain I was in. Borderline is a really painful illness and I do not wish this condition on anyone.

I didn’t think I would be alive at 20 years old… I didn’t even think I’d see 15. Not a lot of people can say this but I am a Real Life Survivor of BPD and I will continue to survive this disorder because I have hope for my future and I have people who I love, and who love me. I will not only survive, I will thrive.

I’m only here today because of my mother who stood beside me through it all. We went through hell together and she continued to show me unconditional love and never gave up on me. I admire her so much and I want to offer unconditional love and support to other people. I think of myself as a symbol that it is possible to survive mental illness and that it doesn’t have to take over or ruin your life.

I graduated high school, I took my Personal Support Work course at college, and am now finishing my second year at Eastern College taking Child and Youth with Addictions Support work, and I’m on the Dean’s list. I never thought this would be me.

I am still in recovery and probably will be in recovery for a while, but this illness has given me purpose. I want to help others who are struggling with mental health issues, and give them hope.

Mental illness sucks for everyone. It is ok to say it sucks. It doesn’t get better until you take steps to help yourself. Even when you don’t want to, or even when you think you can’t, you can… one step at a time. Set yourself little goals, comb your hair or get a shower. Try not to make big overwhelming plans.

Mental illness can get better; it is not a life sentence. Sometimes it feel like your world is collapsing and sometime your life really does collapse but it doesn’t last forever, you can get back up, you can try again. You can heal when you put in the work. For me I had to get angry enough, and to love myself enough to say to myself, “This isn’t right and I want more for my life.” Only then did I really put in the work.”

Let yourself  have bad days, and sad days, but always get back up. You never know who might be looking to you for hope or inspiration. You could be the reason someone regains hope.

For my comrades who are struggling with BPD, I am so proud of you for being here. I know you are struggling, and I know just how much effort it is to pull yourself up out of that dark pit. Because even when the lows feel like death, the highs feel like life. I just hope you continue to pull yourself out of there, it is hard, but life is so beautiful and I don’t want you to miss out on that.