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Welcome to Real Life Survivor
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My name is Courtney and I am a REAL LIFE SURVIVOR of Narcissistic Abuse.
For the past three years I have been struggling with the aftermath of the narcissistic abuse I endured with my ex fiancé. Being the victim of a narcissistic relationship has left deep scars in my life and it has taken time and hard work to come to terms with the fact that not everything I said, did or thought was bad and more importantly I was always ENOUGH, even though I never thought I was.
Fast forward a few months into our relationship and the emotional rollercoaster began. The red flags were there but I ignored them all. I knew deep down something was wrong, I could feel it in my gut but I kept ignoring my intuition and stayed- every time. His moods were unpredictable and his actions never met his words. I had heard from a few people that he had a bad reputation for cheating on his partners, but I believed every word he said and every promise he made. It wasn’t that I thought I could change him; I just believed him when he said he changed and loved me.
As the years went on I found myself becoming a different person. I was once an extremely extroverted happy person, but I soon stopped doing the things I loved and often found myself stuck in my own head trying to make sense of every situation and desperately searching for answers to so many questions: Why did he cheat? What’s wrong with me? Was any of it real? What was the truth and what was a lie? What else could I have done? Is he really capable of love?
Staying in this relationship for so long has left a serious negative psychological effect on the way I view myself. Even though I was no longer under his control I still found myself doubting everything. I no longer knew who I was or supposed to be. In 2021/2022, I fell into a deep depression where I was suffering from severe panic attacks, anxiety and massive weight loss. I no longer knew who I was or who I wanted to be, I just felt lost, misunderstood and alone. With therapy I was able to unpack the five years of emotional torment, betrayal, manipulation and financial abuse was hard to re-live but it allowed me to overcome those feelings and helped me move on and forward with my life.
From personal experience a relationship with a narcissist will NEVER WORK. Their attitude will always show that they know best, that their way is the right way and only way. Eventually, you will realize that you have been separated from your family and friends because of their control. They will lie about everything just to prevent you from contacting your loved ones using guilt trips, threats and gaslighting. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please please educate yourself and find a way to escape before you lose your total sense of self or worse get lost in their reality.
I have waited this long to share my story due to multiple reasons but the biggest one being embarrassment/shame. I was embarrassed that I could have let someone treat me this way for so long and I was ashamed of the fact I actually believed him every time he said he would change and the fact that I held onto every promise he made me. My hope in telling my story now is that it will encourage others to follow their gut when something feels wrong, reach out to friends/family (let them know what’s going on) and most importantly that there really is light at the end of the extremely long tunnel and you will find love again. Take your time and be kind to yourself and understand that you were ALWAYS enough- It is THEM who will never be good enough to see it.
